High On Life 2 - Prevent The Legalization of Humans: Space Court: Nipulon vs Humans | Call Witnesses

Please, we are all waiting.

I told you my services would come in handy, didn't I? So, uh, full disclosure, I I've never actually done

this before. What? Are you serious? I was attached to my brother. He was always shooting movies. When would I

have had the time? I will ask for quiet, please, before we begin.

Sorry, sir. Apology accepted. Thank you.

As I was saying before the interruption, we are gathered here at the Supreme Space Court to discuss the legalization

of humans as a controlled substance for use in pharmaceutical products. If we

agree here today to pass this law, the alien race known as human will be deemed

a livestock species and stripped of all sensient alien rights. Probably a pretty

quick case open and shut. We've all seen the data and research from RIA. [ __ ] hell, it's already stacked

against us. Speaking in favor of the proposed legalization is the legal team of Rio Pharmaceuticals and the company's CEO,

Superulon. Hello there. He's right there. Should we just kill him now? No. No. Are you crazy? We're in the

middle of the Supreme Space Court. Speaking against the proposed legalization is You uh all probably know my brother

Broncin, the big movie star. I'm the lawyer that was attached to him in all his movies. Yes. Great. Thanks.

So far so good. Now, will the jury please rise? All right. Your job is basically to listen

to everything and decide if this law passes or not. That's how space court works. You all know this already. At the

end of the day, it's you who will decide if humans will be stripped of all rights and turned into pills or not. Got it.

Yes, sir. Great. All right. So, just to start this off with, I think we can all agree that humans are obviously a pretty dumb

species and it doesn't really matter one way or the other if we turn them into pills. So, we can wrap this up right

away. Yeah. All in favor of legalizing humans say I. I. I.

Wait, wait, wait. Your honor, we didn't even get to state our case. Can't we do this the right way?

But everyone said I already. Well, forgive me for saying so, but it's not right. Somebody's got to stand up

for these humans. They're beautiful, complex creatures, just like you or I.

Give us a chance to prove it to you. This is a waste of time. Anyone with half a brain can see humans are barely

sensient. Hey, it may be obvious to you rich and powerful elites, but it's not so clear to us common folk. I'm just

like any other good citizen, just like you lot there in the jury. I want all the facts before I make any big

decisions. Don't you agree? I am. Yes, we agree. We're good citiz.

Hey, please take this seriously. Pay attention. Proceed. I am. Yes, we agree. We're good citizens

like the man said. So, of course, we agree. Exactly. Situations like this

I was wrong about you. Maybe you're not a real hooper after all. You've gone cold. Should have quit while

you were ahead. Keep talking. Situations like this are why we have this whole Supreme Space Court in the

first place. The system is working. Fine. You're right. Going to have to do

the whole thing. Everyone cancel your dinner plans and get cozy. Representing

the case to turn humanity into pills is Ria Pharmaceuticals led by Nipulon.

Representing the other side or whatever. That lawyer who just made us all have to

stay late. Remember the fate of all humanity rests on your shoulders here. So, uh, no

pressure. Yes, pressure. Don't [ __ ] this up. Nipulan, let's start with you. I guess you'll be the prosecution and the other

guys will be the defense. Doesn't really matter. Why should we let humans be

turned into pills? Go. I hardly think I need to explain it to

you people. It's not as complicated as Mr. Peter Bucko there makes it seem.

Humans have much tinier brains than other centarians, making them more like

animals than you or I. Sure, they can talk. Yes, but that's more of a freak

genetic anomaly than anything else. You can't prove my client through that. Go on. Sure, they can talk. Yes, but

that's more of a freak genetic anomaly than anything else. A parlor trick like

a griel solving math problems or a guru

printing sign language. They can't possibly be buying this. Fascinating.

I'm buying it all. Hooked, line, and sinker. Human, does this all sound right to you?

Not at all. He's lying. Don't listen to anything he's saying. Who cares what some talking guns have to

say? They're clearly an evolutionary dead end all on their own. Now, it makes

perfect sense they throw in their lot with humans. All this fuss over whether or not it's

ethical to use humans in the perfectly normal process of pharmaceutical

manufacturing. Well, it's a bit silly to think of this as anything more than an animal rights case. The question

shouldn't be, can we farm humans? It should be, are we farming them

ethically? And the answer there, of course, is yes. Damn, he's really good

at this. Everything we do at Ria Pharmaceuticals is by the books, and we're very transparent about that. The fact of the

matter is that humans, a lesser species, release helpful chemicals into aliens

bodies when applied properly. Humans are useful to us the same way cattle,

plubers, or fergles are. We simply turn them into pills safely and for

everyone's benefit. Jesus Christ, you're chilling. [ __ ] Maybe you should just take him out

now. If we're going down, we should take him with us. Oh, so now it's a good idea to shoot Nipulon.

I don't know. I don't know what we should do. I I'm just I'm kind of freaking out right now. Cool. Thank you. Well, that's convincing

enough for me. Jury, you cool if I just wrap this up and legalize humans real quick so we can all go home?

Hey, what about the opposition? What opposition could there possibly be? Oh, yeah. [ __ ] He's right. Fine. Sorry.

This should be real quick. Uh, anyone have any good reasons we shouldn't legalize humans?

Your time to shine, kid. Hello, people of the court.

My client would like to make an argument against the legalization of humans. So, uh, what what what's your argument?

Hey, not to me. This human is a bonafide hero. They took down the G3 cartel with

our help, I might add, and save the human race. Why? Because it was worth

saving. One human being was able to do more than any other alien in stopping the black

market drug trade of sentient beings. Imagine what the rest of their species

is capable of. Oh, and might I add that Nepal over there was actually part of

the G3 cartel. Look, good lord. Already resorting to mudslinging.

The court is well aware of my sorted past. My story is a story of reform and

triumph. I serve the community now. The real heroes are the scientists working

tirelessly to keep the healthcare industry afloat, not some cocky little vigilantes.

Well, I must say this is feeling a little more complicated now. You can't possibly believe them, judge.

You know who they are, right? No, I don't think so. Should I? You're looking at the galaxy's most

wanted criminal. Oh, the G3 killer. That famous bounty hunter. Not anymore. Now they're the lowest of

the low, the scummiest of scum. They turned on their own bounty hunter

brethren, and now they've been killing off some of the brightest and most talented minds in the universe. Many of

them in my own employee. Hey, now that that's not fair. Oh my. Is that true?

What if we said no? I have all the proof right here. You all remember billionaire philanthropist

Larry Pinktock, don't you? Killed even if inadvertently by this miscreant and

their little band of villains. That that Pink guy was evil. Don't forget Senator Muppy Doo, a pillar

of our community, stabbed to death by a talking knife. Hey, [ __ ] you. That little freak was

asking for it. And it doesn't stop there. My finance wizard, James Stevenson.

Your honor. Your honor, my client. And one of the most brilliant minds in biology, Professor Berkeley.

If you just let us explain. At the end of the day, these are murderers, brutish thugs who immediately

resort to killing those who disagree with them in order to get what they want. And I'm not saying they're beyond

reform. I mean, look at me. I was once so lost I served under Garantuous in the

G3 cartoon. That was a long time ago. You're a good man now. Of course. Yes. All I'm saying is that

we've been beyond generous even entertaining the presence of these outlaws here in this courtroom. Judge,

would it be all right if we dismissed their testimony as unreliable and simply

moved on to the verdict? I suppose that makes sense. [ __ ] What do we do?

I I don't I don't know, Mr. Buckle. What do we do here? [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] The way I can get him

to say something. Maybe I can pro him a bit.

What? How? Oh. Oh. Objection. What is it now?

I I believe this so-called outlaw I'm representing is more trustworthy, reliable, and heroic than any of you

could possibly imagine. Please let us call forward some character witnesses to prove that we shouldn't be dismissed so

readily. This is completely ridiculous. They're killers. Look at them. Most of them are

literally guns. Just give us a chance, please. Fine, judge. You are not seriously considering

this. Are you? Look, it's court. You know I'm on your side, but I got to at least pretend to

be impartial here. Let's just hear them out. I'm sure it won't convince anyone. Okay. Hey, you're the one in charge

here. Whatever you say. That's right. As long as I get to call in some

character witnesses of my own. Now, hold on a minute. It's only fair. We'll let both sides

bring in some character witnesses to deem whether or not your client's testimony is reliable. Then, and only

then will I give my verdict. Just between you and me, I'm more on your side, Mr. Nipul, sir.

Well, this is the best shot we got. I gathered up a bunch of witnesses earlier today. All slam dunks. We got this.

This should work out, right? Right. God, I hope so. Let us begin. Call our first witness to

the stand. We'd like to begin by calling to the stand, the security guard from the

Circuit Arcadia Zoo.

Hey guys. Wait, this guy from the very beginning? Did all our choices really matter?

Seriously, I barely remember this guy at all. That's not helping. Please state your name and occupation for the court.

My name is Luke Gelmer and I work as a security guard for the Circuit Arcadia

Zoo. And have you ever met that criminal over there? Yes. Yes, I have. Under what circumstances?

They were breaking into the zoo. I tried to stop them. And what happened? I was simply doing my

job and then they attacked me. They attacked you? And for what purpose

did they do such a horrid thing? I guess to uh get past me because I was in their way. Huh?

Because you are in their way. How horrible. Who among us has not been in

someone else's way? Did we deserve to be attacked over it? Heavens, no. How

severe was the attack? I I I I I I thought I was going to die. I I was right at death's door.

And what happened next? They just walked away and left me there to die. Left you there to die. Couldn't even

finish you off. Couldn't put you out of your misery. Well, actually, I'm glad they didn't do that because I'm Well, you know,

survived. You survived. And yet, you suffered so much in the process.

Oh, boy. Did I Oh, yeah. I really did. Yeah. I can't really explain why. But leaving you to die feels way worse than

just killing you outright. Weird, huh? I'm awarding two points to Ria Pharmaceuticals.

Wait, there's points? How does space court work? [ __ ] That was a really bad start.

All right. All right. Uh, we'd like a chance to bring our first witness forward if that's all right. Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Who you got?

Good question. Here's my list, kid. Sorry, these are the only ones I could get on short notice, but uh I'll let you

choose. Who should we pick?

Come on. Come on. Just say something.

Defense calls to the stand. the human outlaw's parents. Come on, mom and dad. Don't [ __ ] this

up.

I object to what? Is he allowed to object? I object to the marriage of my ex-wife and let's do it.

Oh, Tom, honey, you need to accept that it's over. I'm happy with let's do it now. Let's do it.

Yeah, I know. It was worth one more shot, though. Pathetic. Just like all humans. Is this

any way to live? Do you see the pain these creatures are in? We need to put them out of their misery. Put them to

good use. Their pain is our pleasure. They're not doing anyone any good

wallowing around in the universe like this. They need to be processed. Ria

Pharmaceuticals has the means to do this. We'll take sad, sorry sacks of

[ __ ] like this and use them to fuel the happiest days of your lives.

Don't you see? Everybody wins. Oh man, he's he's right. Maybe I do

deserve to be turned into a pill. Dad, don't say that. Oh, honey.

All right, objection time. Wake up the lawyer. Objection, your honor. The prosecution

claims humans are too pathetic to live. What is your objection? It's uh

this father. You all see him before you. No, he could have just as easily been

me. He could have been me. Oh, go on. You see, before I met the outlaw, my

marriage was on the brink of disaster. We figured things out. Yes. And now our

marriage is stronger than ever. [ __ ] yeah it is, baby. But for one terrifying moment, I was

just a hair's breath away from ending up just like this sad father that you see

before me. And at the time, I couldn't imagine a worse fate. I mean, even now,

it's hard to, you know what I mean? I mean, it would have been really bad. Look at this sad sack. Look at this

[ __ ] idiot. Come on, man. The thing is, I needed to come to terms

with that. It wouldn't have made me any less of a man. It wouldn't have made me

any less deserving of life. In fact, my suffering would have brought me closer

to the rest of alien kind. Who among us hasn't suffered from

heartbreak, loss, loneliness? Isn't that what makes us who we are?

Isn't it? I I hadn't thought of it that way. Outlaw's dad, whatever your name is.

Tom. Is it Tom? It's Tom, right? Okay, good. Tom, be proud of your pain. Be

proud that you're still here. Know that one day you'll be where I am, married to

a smoking hott talking gun, just like your ex-wife. Thank you, Travis. Thank you.

That was so [ __ ] good, baby. You killed it. Come on. You can't possibly

be buying the sappy horse crab. A, it's so true. Humans really are just

like us. Two points to the outlaw. Way to go, Travis. So, are we ready to move on?

Wait, we'd also like to bring out a bonus witness, a friend of the outlaw's father.

Oh, a bonus witness. I didn't know that was a thing. That sounds fun. Huh? Who?

Hey guys, I'm Ted. Ted. Oh my god. You're okay. Well, uh, not really. I'm dead. But it's

nice to see you. Ted, as you can see, is no longer with us. What you are seeing now is his ghost.

Only made possible with the most cuttingedge technology from Ria Pharmaceuticals. Wow.

How are we going to beat this? Ted, how did you die? Would it be incorrect to say that you were indeed

killed by other humans? I guess so. Well, I I think it was a little more complicated than that, but

killed by his own kind. And we have it on record that the human outlaw was

there on that very day. Now, now hold on a minute. These are the facts. The human outlaw

visited a small compound populated by about 50 or so other human beings. When

they left just hours later, every single one of them was dead. But there's more to the

Silence, human father. It is not your turn to speak. He's right. Order in the court. Did I say anything untrue, Mr. Ted Waller's

ghost? Uh, no. Technically speaking, that is what happened. The human outlaw, supposed savior of

humanity, is actually a mass murderer of their own kind.

Wakey wakey, Mr. Lawyer. Ow. Objection. Objection. The prosecution claims your defendant is

a mass murderer of their fellow humans. What is your objection? Oh. Uh, it's uh

You're taking an awfully long. It wasn't like he's saying absolutely ridiculous. You don't

seriously think anyone here is going to believe that hogwash, do you? No, they're right. That's what happened.

You tell him, Teddy Boy. I didn't realize it was a cult, but that's what it was. They were praying on

lonely people like me or the outlaw's dad. Hey, come on. I I'm not lonely.

Okay, sorry. I am lonely. Please continue, Ted's ghost. What happened next?

It's true. The higher level members were smoking each other. I guess they went too far with it and it turned them all

into monsters. You couldn't really call them human after that. The outlaw saved

us. Well, not me. I died, but still. They did their best and it wasn't their fault. Nipulon has no idea what he's

getting into with humans. It's not safe and it's not right. There you have it. We don't know exactly

what happened that day, but we know firsthand that the defendant wasn't responsible. No further questions, your

honor. Wow. Yeah. Sorry, Nippulon. I got to give two points to the human.

This is [ __ ] No, dick. What?

Ria Pharmaceuticals, it's your turn to call up a witness. Well, Ria Pharmaceuticals calls to the

stand Griffin P. Spencer from the human petting zoo.

Shoot. They sniped our witness. Sup? I'm Griffin P. Spencer. I'd like to ask the witness some

questions if that's all right. By all means, you're of no threat to me now. Griffin, you're a human. Is that

correct? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got that DNA, the XY chromosome. I got all that [ __ ] Heart,

lungs, brain, all that human [ __ ] And at one point in time, Nipulon and his cronies at Ria

Pharmaceuticals had you imprisoned at the Circuit Arcadia Zoo. Is that right? Big time. Yeah. I mean, it was it was

kind of nice though. I had a lot of visitors like that other human over there. Ah, yes. You met the defendant. Could

you describe your interaction with them? Oh, yeah. Um, well, I would say they didn't just pet me. They made me feel

like a king. No rush, no rough stuff. They went slow, like they cared. It was

the right amount. Not too much, not too little. And for once, I didn't feel like an exhibit. I felt like someone who

mattered. I could live a lifetime in those few minutes. Those pets were the highlights of my day. I thought, "This

person right here, this is the best person I've ever met." Until they blew

up half the zoo, had to close down my exhibit, and the pet stopped after that. Wow.

So, you might say that the defendant ruined your life. Come on. That That's not fair, right?

But now you're free like all

Okay, I think the defense is up next. Pick a witness. Who should we go with next? Up to you.

The defense calls to the stand. We got this apples.

Hello everybody. Oh, no way, man. He was our surprise witness. What were you thinking?

Why? Why? Why is everyone so mad? Yeah, why is everybody so mad? Apples. I thought I told you I never

wanted to see your face again. Whoopsies. I suppose I'll allow it for today. You

may begin your questioning. Apples. Confirm for me. You're a close

personal friend with this human. Correct. No. No. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Abort.

Abort. Oh yeah. We go way back. Me and this human best friends. Very interesting.

Unless the human objects, we should accept that as fact. Hey, Mr. Lawyer, say objection.

He's not. Oh, objection. The prosecution claims Apples is a close

personal friend of the human defendant. Do you have an objection to that?

Uh, do we?

Fine. Fine. We we met apples. We even hung out a bit, but we had no idea how bad he was.

This is This is total BS. They usually only talk about how much they love me.

Order in the court. Let the witness resume his testimony.

Thank you. Well, actually, they did betray me once. They said they'd always

stand by my side and then, well, they didn't. They threw me under the bus with the town's people. I couldn't believe

it. I never felt so betrayed in my life. Betrayal or shame? Perhaps humans aren't even

capable of something so simple as loyalty. What? He's clearly a bad person. Why are

you mad we betrayed him? Well, I don't know. It just doesn't reflect well on you that you betrayed anybody at all. Good or bad, doesn't

make a difference. Betrayal is pretty shitty. And according to our files, you don't even know what he did.

Really? You didn't even know. You still betrayed him? How terrible.

Okay, seriously, what did he do? It should never be spoken of. In fact, I should probably throw out this whole

case here and now. But I'll show mercy and simply award two points to Ria

Pharmaceuticals. May God have mercy on your soul. Bye, friends. I love you. I am so so

sorry. Pharmaceuticals, you're up again. Be a

witness. See, the prosecution calls. Ah, the defense calls Mr. Keeps to the

end. What are you stupid? The judge said it was my turn. Please, please, judge. We really need

this. Let us sneak this one in. Yeah, sure. Fine. I'll allow it. Then we call Jorb to the stand.

Hey, that's not allowed. We can't both have a witness up at the same time, and they definitely can't be related.

Whatever. I'll allow it. Sounds interesting. Both witnesses, please enter.

Take the stand if you still can, old man. George, this is a courtroom. Show some

respect. Uh, my apologies, your highness. Honor. Thank you. So polite.

50 points for the outlaw. What? Whoa. Cool. Good work, Mr. Keeps.

They'll never catch up now. For you, Judge Fudge. Jorb.

You little [ __ ] What? Tell me what I did. Wow. So delightfully bratty. 50 points

for Rio Pharmaceuticals. Damn. This is ridiculous. Now, let's get a proper handle on things. Nipulon.

Where were you going with this line of questioning? I [ __ ] I seriously can't remember.

They're messing with me. They're turning this into a joke. Then please proceed, Mr. Bucko. Thank you, your honor. Don't [ __ ] this

up, Peter. Now, Mr. keeps. You run the Spencer's gifts on Circuit Arcadia, correct?

Yes. My name is actually Spencer now legally. Sorry, Mr. Spencer. May I ask, would you

consider the outlaw, who is human, mind you, to be a valued customer? Oh, yeah. Humans like them are basically

the only reason I'm still in business. They love to buy worthless crap at

exorbitant prices. I second that. These morons will buy anything I put a price tag on. They're

literally singlehandedly keeping me at my dad's shops and business.

So, you'd say they're financially irresponsible that perhaps they don't know what's best

for themselves. H, you make a lot of sense. Oh, no. Now, we need to say something now.

Objection. The prosecution claims humans can't handle their own well-being. What is the

objection? Tell them uh what your objection is.

Oh, up. Nipulon's way more irresponsible. How much money does he have? And does he use any of it for

good? Of course I do. Ria Pharmaceuticals is helping the entire galaxy. This is

ludicrous. Yes, I'm afraid I don't fully understand where you're going with this. Oh, yeah. Well, me neither. I just

thought I should get to talk for a bit. Carry on. Very well. One point to Ria Pharmaceuticals.

Oh, no. Whose turn is it next? Ah, defense. It's

time for you to call another witness. Uh, let's see. Who do you want to pick next?

We call to the stand Tiffany of the Buttons Buttons gang.

Thank you for joining us today, Tiffany. Happy to be here. Now, would you mind introducing yourself

and what you do for those in the courtroom who are unfamiliar? My name is Tiffany. I'm the head [ __ ]

in charge of Buttons Glutton, a bounty hunting gang/ wildlife conservation group. But you weren't always the leader.

You were forced into leadership position because this human brutally murdered the

love of your life, your fiance, Craig Button. [ __ ] hell. Really? Did you do that? I

didn't have that in my notes. It's true. It's all true.

All of this has left me heartbroken, blood soaked, and searching for meaning in a chaotic world.

Damn it. We're screwed. And yet, I still feel that humans deserve our protection. Wait, what?

Really? Oh, come on. You You can't really mean that. Objection, your honor.

I'll allow it. I'm intrigued. [ __ ] Hold on. Hold on. I've got

something. Aha. M. Tiffany, is it not true that this human outlaw is

responsible for the death of the beloved sea creature, Guessie, the only animal

of her kind? How can you condone such an act as a supposed animal lover yourself?

Oh. Um. Uh. Well, hey, come on. That's not how it happened. Lawyer man, say something.

No objections from the human's defense. He's after lunch. Let me wait now. Objection. The

prosecution claims your human killed everyone's favorite sea creature, Guessie. Is that not true?

What is your objection? [ __ ] Yeah. Uh, what is the objection?

Oh, wake up people. I was there. I was there. Guess he died because of Craig

Button. He and Tiffany and all their cronies attacked the ship and Guessie

was just caught in the crossfire. Yeah, that's right. It wasn't our fault at all. Not at all.

They're right. It really wasn't their fault. There was a lot going on. Now, I

don't know who's to blame. And maybe it was even us buttons for causing a scene. Now, I hope that's not true, but it

wasn't the human. We've been through a lot together, and they really pissed me off. But guess

on them. Fine. Fine. So, they didn't kill Jessie. But why are you defending your enemy

like this? You've been fighting them tooth and nail this entire time, haven't you?

Yes. The human caused more death and destruction than any other living being I have ever encountered. They

slaughtered my beautiful Craig, my fellow bounty hunters, and who knows how many others. But I never understood why

until now. They're just univilized, violent, wild animal. And I love

animals. Therefore, I love humans. Now you see how easy that is.

That's That's right. By your logic, man, is it not our purpose in the galaxy to

tame such a beast and utilize it for our advancement? My purpose in the galaxy is to protect

all the little dumb freaks out there. And these humans are some of the dumbest little freaks we've got. So, if anyone

lays a pill popping finger on any one of them, I'll rip your damn throat out.

Works for me. One point for the outlier. Hey, that worked out pretty well for us, didn't it?

All right, Ria Farmer, your turn again. Who is your next witness?

Who's left? Uh, Ria Pharmaceuticals would like to call forward award-winning

opera superstar and convicted murderer Obie Ober. Damn it. She was supposed to be one of

ours. But she's a criminal like us. Oh, right. You know, maybe it's good we didn't pick her.

Miss Oberon, you're a convicted murderer, are you not? I am. Yes, but I only killed in the name

of revenge. That should make it okay. Well, that's not really allowed either.

You're kind of just not supposed to kill anyone at all. How is any of this relevant?

Uh, can I get a little help here? Explain

the part about how you only killed Pink Stock's clone. All right. The man I killed was actually

just a clone. Still, no killing. Clones count as people, right? [ __ ] Um, what else?

Oberon, tell them about your brother. Uh, yes, of course. Your honor, I ask

you, what is one supposed to do when your own brother dies at the hands of a

billionaire and the pharmaceutical company he bankrolls? What recourse is there when true evil

has all the resources in the world and you have none? I cloud my way up from

nothing, from the orphanage and forge a new life as a famous opera singer. I use

that status to get in close with the very people who once made my life live in hell. And yes, I killed Pink Stock.

But if it weren't for violence, he would never have had to answer for his crimes.

Well, listen, I I didn't know all that. Nobody told me any of that.

Sister, is that you? What? Brutus,

is that really you? Oh, man. He doesn't look so good. Oh, sorry about that. What's going on here?

Your honor, that's my brother. The same one that was taken from me and

experimented by Ria Pharmaceuticals. I thought he was dead. Sister, I search for you. Never find.

Brother, what did they do to you? Must brain turn me into monster. All do

now is kill. But really, all I want to do is love. Oh, Brutals, it's all over, baby. You're

calm now. Wow. Did you know that they were related? I I had no idea. This is all very moving, but let's get

things back on track. Miss Oberon, even I'll admit the intergalactic justice

system doesn't really ever penalize billionaires. And you've just shown us all that even criminals can have a

heart. So, begrudgingly, I think I have to give you a point here. One point to

the outlaw. Wow, good work. Thank God.

All right, that's it. I think we've gone on long enough. All done. Your honor, if I may, I'd like to call some surprise

witnesses to the stand. Ooh, surprise witnesses. That sounds fun. Okay, I'll allow it. One more. Make

it count. Oh, I will. I call to the stand. Jean Zeruian and bleeding star Lizzy.

What? Us. Is that allowed? You're on speaker and uh Yeah. Yeah, it is. You You got to go up. Can they hear

me through this? Fine. It's his funeral.

Lizzy, you're a human, correct? Uh, duh. And you have a bounty on your head. Is

that also correct? Yeah, of course I do. Of course. Of course. After all, you are the leader of a band of terrorists

called the Bleeding Stars, responsible for, among other things, the wormhole

bombing in the Beta Nebula, the assassination of the activist Gregold Schmz, and most recently the attack on

Circuit Arcadia Zoom. An attack which due to your own negligence resulted in

most of your outfit's demise. They were good people killed by your men. Mhm. I'm sure that's how you see it. But

all these violent acts in the name of human rights all to save your precious

species. Did you never once consider going through the proper channels? I get

it. You weren't happy about what my company wants to do with your species. But why not lodge a complaint at your

local embassy like a good civilized alien? Why resort to such barbarianism?

You've hardly been helping your case. Oh, you know damn well that wouldn't have worked. The whole system is rigged

against us. We had to make ourselves heard, seen. Well, I see you. And what I see is an

uncivilized subalien species comprised of violent criminals. And you, Jean

Zerian, once a famous bounty hunter, now reduced to a hangar on desperate for one

last lick of fame. Well, you've got it. The whole universe knows your name

again, but it will be forever tainted by its connection to this brutish, savage

human outlaw. Unless you take this opportunity to

denounce them once and for all. Just admit you were suckered in by the lights, the cameras, the money. Admit

you had a momentary lapse of judgment, chasing your old life of fame and fortune.

You're wrong. You've seen everything they've done firsthand. You know how good they are at killing.

It's freakish, isn't it? Even you weren't that good back in the day. It's

because humans aren't like you or I, Jean. Imagine if we let them fully integrate

into society. This innate violence would spill over into every avenue of our

peaceful lives. And you can put a stop to it, Jean. You

can make the first step towards eliminating humans and embracing human

pro. We'll even throw in some beautiful brand new legs. Those are some nice legs.

Come on, judge. He can't bribe the witnesses. He can't. Why not? Bribing is allowed in space court.

Lizzy, see, they know nothing of our ways. Oh, [ __ ] you, Nipulon. You're full of

[ __ ] and you know it. He was part of the G3 for Christ's sakes. Did you all

forget that already? Oh, sure. Resort to that. We all know I'm reformed. Who among us hasn't made a

mistake and ask for forgiveness? You're just trying to rebuild the drug trade we tore down. You are trying to

subjugate an entire species for some [ __ ] profits. Look at their rage, ladies and gentlemen

of the jury. Look at the mess they make when they don't get their way. Even poor

Jean Zeruthian has become influenced by their vicious human ways. This is the

intergalactic supreme space court. The system works and humanity wants to tear

it down. Order. Order. Order in the court. Let's all calm down everybody. Yan, you've

made your point. And it's a very good one. These humans have no respect for the Space Court. Three points to Ria

Pharmaceuticals. Oh no.

Okay, we've really got to wrap this up now. This is the last call for surprise witnesses. Going once, going twice.

Uh, actually, uh, actually, I just remembered something important. And who are you?

Uh, my name's Creature, but I think I used to be someone else. A scientist named Dr. Creed Tyrion.

The Dr. Creed Turion? Oh, he's obviously lying. Look at him. He's insane.

No, no, no. I'm remembering it all now. I used to be a smart guy, a scientist.

And the G3 cartel, they used me. Made me do research on humans for them. And then

they experimented on me. Turned my brain into mush. Nipulon. He was there. He did

this to me. That's [ __ ] And even if it were true, I'm reformed. I'm not evil

anymore. My G3 days are behind me. This is all irrelevant. He's right. Are you

going somewhere with this, Dr. Turion? Well, it's just I I remember something about my research about the human brain.

No need to rehash. I already went over the science in great detail earlier. The

human brain is very tiny compared to ours. Judge, we can skip this one.

No, no, wait. The human brain isn't tiny. What? It's not. We saw the science.

Actually, uh, I work for RIA Pharmaceuticals. I was afraid to speak out, but everything he's saying is true.

Oh, come on. Look, I can show you. As you can see here, the human brain

only appears to be tiny. Exactly. It looks small, but in all actuality, there's some sort of spatial

distortion going on inside the organ. Correct. While the brain appears to be

smaller than ours at a mere 6 in long, 5 in tall. Yeah, it's bigger on the inside. Much

bigger. Doctor Who? That's from Doctor Who. Huh? What do you mean? What the hell is this creature talking

about? The human brain goes on for a much greater distance within a pocket dimension created from the folds and

wrinkles visible along its surface, accounting for the matter distortion. The human brain is actually three or

four times larger than the average sensient alien brain. What the hell? That's crazy.

How is that possible? We don't fully understand, sir. We've

We've never seen anything like this before. This was all corroborated with some old research papers we discovered

left behind by Dr. Gurgala. Dr. Gerula has been missing for years since before humanity was even

discovered for all we know. How is any of this admissible? I don't know. Strike it from the record.

I don't know how to do that, but that was very informative. Thank you.

Thank you. Wow, that was a slam dunk. Yeah, I guess I used to be smart. Who knew?

That definitely helped our case. That's it. No more witnesses. Judge, let's just end this and legalize humans

before anyone else tries any more funny business. Sure. Yeah, sounds good to me. Jury, how

are we feeling? Humans sentient or not?

We, the jury, have decided that humans are sentient beings and should not be

turned into pills. Thank God. Oh, thank God. That's such a relief. Oh, that's [ __ ] judge. We paid for

this to be fixed. Yeah. Yeah. But you want to know something interesting about bribes? They're not legally binding. Corruption

goes both ways, Buster. Oh, bet that stinks. You buffoon. All of

you buffoons. How can you not see the truth? Oh, calm down, loser.

Humans are us beneath me. They exist for us to use

them. You belong to me.

Shoot him. Just shoot him. [ __ ] him up, kid. Oh [ __ ] They're fighting. Security

locked down. Everyone get out of here.

Eat [ __ ] [ __ ] You have been a pain in my [ __ ] side

since the start. You know what? [ __ ] this. [ __ ] everything. I think it's time

for me to finally just kill you for real.